— May 26th, 2006 —

Get some ish out of the way — UHURU Magazine is out. Wish the website was up and running for those who would want to subscribe. Getting prepped for the Brooklyn Hip-Hop Festival? Check out my interview with Rhymefest at HipHopDX.com. Be on the lookout for Ray Cash, Megan Rochell, Leliene (Smiley from Flavor of Love), the Kickdrums, Mick Boogie and DJ Joey Fingaz.

I think that's all of it. Moving on…

Went to see X-Men 3: The Last Stand at midnight last night and it was fantabolous. This scene made it all the worthwhile (see: here). Next up is The Da Vinci Code and possibly the new Omen remake.

Let's get to the meat and potatoes of this post, shall we…?

Love is definitely a tricky beast to tame. We all wish to understand it, but are left only saying its name. Few people are blessed to be able to balance their unity with their individual selves. Whereas, others are doomed to only want to see their side of any situation or story. What I learned about myself is that I am a hopeless romantic (duh…) and that I ultimately want things to have the fairy tale-esque happy ending. I understand that those things aren't true in the Really Real World, but it can never hurt to dream.

I came up in a generation where it's more likely to see dis bitch, dat hoe, rather than a wifey. With so many younger (18-24) females vying less for a wedding ring and more for a pregnancy patch (of course, after failing the dick sucking contest to be the lead in the latest BET: UnCut video) — is the role of an "independent" woman appropos in a relationship?

Every man wants their woman to be able to take care of themselves, but does that give the woman an excuse in the end? "I make my own money, drive my own car, what do I really need you for?!" — is just an example of what most men think when they see a "successful" Black woman. In my search for what I want, I had that in my stable. But I also didn't have what I wanted in the same vein. I'm sure this would start an argument, but I really believe that my ex wants to have her cake and eat it, too. There are points in our situation that I still don't yet understand (or don't want to).

But this point will be a rambling one. I think that about myself I am still not yet where I want to be. 24 is creeping up, slowly, yet surely. Where other people are writing pieces in magazines and trying to take over the media world, one step at a time, I find myself still stuck on stupid. What is the key? Wherein lies the secret to success? Is it the sensation of ribs touching and hunger pains? Is it the drive to be the best? Is it a fulfillment of a passion? I questioned all of these things as I looked in the mirror and recognized that it was me. I've held myself back from doing things that I want to do. Whether that is reigniting an old flame or creating a new one — in all life scenarios, I've found myself unfocused, wanting, and in the back of the bus.

While looking at this mirror, I also try to think about my past, my present, my future. The people whom I've encountered in my life. The actions and decisions that have determined their interpretation of me. I do care what people think. It drives my heart and my compassion. But does that limit me as to when I should let it go? I have contemplated suicide, I have attempted once when I was younger, I have seen my familiy betray it's unwritten bonds, I have beefed with the people who I call brother, I have lied, cheated, and stolen. I have been at the lowest of lows. I have been in bad academic standing with the university I attend on two separate occasions. I have bad credit, bad breath, and bad body odor (okay, not really… but the credit, yes, sheesh!)

So, what keeps me going? My mentor, Mr. Shelton says that I have an indominable spirit — that no matter how low things go I manage to churn out something equally positive. I call it good luck. Or maybe my dead brother is watching over me. This is the second time I've brought his name out of my mouth. Don't really know what it means… told you I'd be ranting. Do I have enough in my tank to continue onward towards minimalistic accomplishments. The magazine is out, yet no one will pick it up because reading is too white for a black person's taste. My articles are posted on the various sites that I work for, but someone I can manage to mess up a good standing with someone who has a direct connect to greener pastures. You can google my full name, plus Hip-Hop and there I am — which is interesting to me, but I want to be able to have you flip those pages of XXL, The Source, Scratch, URB, and others.

The rent is coming due and the bills are steadily coming in. Prayer is for those who have a belief that something can and will happen. I am not sure if I have strong enough convictions. I am not sure if I have enough strength, period.


One Response to ““Reflections””

  1. Youngblood Says:

    Getting to the point… I tend to think that it is never a bad thing to dream. Dreaming is essential in anyones life who wants to make something of themselves. Talking about dreaming, what more could women ask for?? Becoming “independent” is a hard thing to accomplish when you think that you need a man in your life. Once women see that they can acheive all and more in life, why settle for something less than big?? This still doesnt give women the right to put down any man. When it comes to where you want to be in life, how can one determine where that is?? So far, I see that the effort is definately there and you do it well, so why pull the weights down on yourself and make yourself believe that you are less than worthy compared to all the other writers in the big magazines you see on the stands?? Life is thrown at you in all different directions, just because it works out for one person does not necessarily mean that it will work for others the same way. Patience is a virtue. Remember that.

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